To Conceive or not to Conceive? That is the question

We have always had a loose plan to start trying to Beasley baby #2 when Simone turned 2. That is 6 months away and I, being the planner that I am, broached the subject with my husband yesterday. I have been thinking about it on my own for a while now, oscillating between pure mommy gush

and utter terror at the thought of being pregnant again.

 I have made mental lists of the things we should accomplish before bringing another life into this world ...

• buy a house (with more than 2 rooms)
• lose 30 pounds
• get Simone potty trained
• find Daniel a job that pays enough that I can stay home
• take my prenatal vitamin

Then mentally scratched them all out saying, "There will never be a perfect time, or enough money, etc."

I have read accounts of the pros and cons of different age gaps, I have tried to map out our career goals, our financial status, factored in my biological clock, and I am still no closer to having peace about when the right time is. Then I have nights like last night when I am feeling sick and PMSing and my 18 month old wakes up 23 hundred times because she isn't feeling well either, in those moments I am sure I only want one child.

It really was beginning to get me flustered and I had to stop myself and remind my pacing heart that God knows. I found myself half heart-idly praying for God to surprise me with the next child as He did my first that way I don't have to worry about it (I am not sure if that is sound biblical praying but hey I am at my wits end).

I would appreciate your prayers because I don't want to make a decision in my own strength. I don't want to rush into pregnancy again just to meet some imaginary deadline and put my family in a tough spot. Neither do I want to miss the chance to have #2 because I fear there will never be enough time, money, energy, etc. I need the wisdom and provision of my Father in Heaven and the patience to wait until it comes.

I would like to hear other moms child bearing decision making tactics in the meantime, so give me so feedback. Did you plan, were you pleasantly surprised, are you wishing you were still single, are you sure you aren't going to make it through the next five years of diapers? Let me know.

Be still and know

I am growing older every day, every moment. I am reminded from the Word, that my best days are yet to come; a difficult concept to grasp. Milestones are passing at an alarming rate; firsts that I can never get back. I do know that I have gained more wisdom, perspective, and compassion with age. As my body continues to decline my mind is being refined, transformed even.  I can only imagine that my pride will continue to die with the passing days. Life has a way of knocking you down to size. I want to be careful to walk the line between defeat and humility. I am glad to know I know nothing. I hope never to say I can do nothing, for I have been justified by his grace, that I may become an heir having the hope of eternal life. I want to always walk toward my full potential imprinted on me by my Creator and live content with my present circumstances for this is the will of God. A delicate balance, I am sure of it.

For now, in this season, I am aiming to glorify God in the everyday; holding babies, cooking dinner, filing papers, changing diapers, loving my husband, cleaning the house, eating healthy, smiling at a stranger, praying for others, doing good, sharing, giving baths, folding laundry... do it all to the glory of God.

Help me with this Lord. In the season of no titles, little recognition, and not a ton of excitement, let my life be a sweet fragrance to you. As my days pass me by let my mind grasp my purpose is not to glorify myself but to glorify you. I still want to shine bright, but I want to shine bright with the beauty of my Lord. I desire your Spirit within me to be so strong and overwhelming it seeps out of my pores to change the climate of the room, the city, the nation, the world I live in. I want your banner of love over me to reach a thousand miles long and wide to envelope the surrounding people with an invitation to your banqueting table. I want deep wells of peace and love to share with a broken and violent world. Let the days that lie ahead, however few or many they may be, increase in the power of Love. Today in this moment I fall so short and need your help. I am willing. Use my hands and feet as your own. Sing through my lips the love songs of old, the One that you sang before the foundations of time. Never leave me empty for I do not draw on strength of my own but from living waters in the deep mystery of Your heart.

Be still and know.

International Husband Appreciation Day (so what if I made it up)

I love my husband so much that I had to write a post to get down all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. I think there should be an international holiday celebrating great husbands. So, I am declaring today...

INTERNATION HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY

Growing up in a single mother household, I don't have the experience to draw from of what a partnership in marriage really should look like. Because of this I am both equally amazed every day at how much I need my husband, and how my mother raised two children on her own without going crazy.



Daniel Allen Beasley is the answer to prayers of deep that never made it out of my heart to be formed on my lips. My husband is the daily tool God uses to love, bless, grow, and heal me. We have an unconventional love story (that I will save for another post) and I always have thought of him as my diamond in the rough. What I didn't, and still don't fully comprehend, is how big and shiny that diamond is. Every day I am discovering more deeply the mystery of marriage and the salve it is to my broken soul. He is patient and steady, loyal and trustworthy. I, for the first time in my life, know what it is to be myself completely, and be loved without restraint. I finally understand that when tough times come and bad things happen, I don't have to brace myself for the bottom to drop out. I have a committed husband who understands the solemn vowes we took on May 17, 2009 are for life and are before God. I have no problem trusting my complete heart in his capable hands. We make mistakes, we fight, we get on each others nerves but that is the complicated beauty of love. I know at the end of the day he will remain faithful.

As if the love between us wasn't enough, God gives us the ability to multiply our love with a child. Adding loving father to his resume, has made the love deeper and wider. There is the obvious reminder of a physical manifestation of the your love combined into one being but more importantly it is the partnership it takes to keep that being alive. If it weren't for Daniel, I don't know that I would ever eat a cooked meal. I think the house would remain a mess, and I would not be able to be the mother I am. He provides relief, strength, comfort, back rubs, ego boosts, unconditional love, a reflection of the Father in Heaven, and hot breakfasts. I am bursting at the seams of my heart at the love that not only I get to experience, but the inheritance my growing family will have because of my husband's Godly character. If I never had the chance to experience another physical blessing this side of Heaven, my cup would remain full and overflowing. Selfless love multiplies itself and is an ever burning flame to heat the home of your heart.   



I know the deep working magic of marriage is the distinct reflection it has of my coming husband in Heaven and the hope that it will be immeasurably better. I know "that we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face" 1 Corinthians 13:12. But I am so grateful that Jesus saw fit to give me a taste of what is to come. I am blessed to know He is using Daniel to prepare my heart to "know just as I am known" 1 Corinthians 13:13, by my eternal bridegroom. 



The best two affirmative decisions I ever made, was to say yes to Jesus and yes to my husband. 

Daniel, I wouldn't change a thing, you are my perfect gift from God. Thank you for loving me.  

Ladies, whilst this was a gushy post and mostly for the benefit of my husband, I encourage you to take time a look around at the love you have been gifted with. Also remember when you see a momma struggling on her own, lend a helping hand, an encouraging word, and a prayer. Single moms remember there is faithful husband always available to you in Jesus and He will demonstrate His love for you through His body. Isaiah 62:5 " as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you."

Content

For as long as I can remember, I have been wishing and hoping for something else. Waiting for the next season, complaining about my current circumstances.

Today and for the last little while I have experienced a miraculous shift in perspective. I am at peace mostly. I am delighted with my little family, grateful for my job, reveling in simple pleasures, blessed with blossoming friendships and the ability to appreciate them. The amazing thing is that my circumstances havne't really changed all that much. It must be the wisdom that comes with age, and probably a lot to do with a faithful Father, but I am content for I think the first time in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I still lose my patience, wish for things that I don't have, and feel blue sometimes but none of these feelings send me into the depths or blind my vision to the blessings in front of me anymore. It is like I have a sweet little optimistic friend around all the time reminding me of how things could be worse, or how short life is, or how all the things I ever prayed for that mattered at all are all under one roof snuggled under covers available for me to love at a moments notice. I am living with a Holy Polyanna in my mind. It is a wonderful turn of events after a life of pessimism, melancholy, and skepticism.

God is faithful! All these years I justified my bad attitude and glass half empty perspective as just "how I am", accepting it as a part of my personality and therefore something I could not change. Even after having been a Christian for some years now, this is something I justified as, " how God made me". Not so, not anymore. A switch has gone off in my head, I am sure due to many friends and family praying over me for years, years of reading the same promises in the Word over and over, and ultimately the faithfulness of God.
Part of me wants to list all of the things I still struggle with and am afraid can't change but that is just the old man slowly dying in the corner of the room. Instead I will revel in this victory and use it as proof to my soul that all the things I presently struggle with are just on the same slow walk down death row.

To Love is To Be Vulnerable

I can't remember what it felt like to be pregnant. I do remember how different I felt, what a process it was, but I can't remember the sensation. I can't remember what Simone felt like as a newborn. They tell you you will forget. I guess I didn't think I would. I have.

Having a child makes me sharply aware of time. Each day is a milestone, each moment passes never to be remembered in the fullness it was experienced.
My girl is walking and talking, developing a personality, and a will. It was only 15 short months ago she was taking residence in my own body. I wonder, when I am close enough to see the snowflake shape in the center of her blue eyes, what she will look like when she is older and who she will become. I wonder what trials we will go through and if she will ever tell me she hates me. I pray and wonder if she will care to serve the God I serve.

 Parenthood is a strange and wonderful thing. I am so aware of the vulnerable condition having her has put my heart in. I have to quickly push away the tightness in my chest at the thought of ever losing her  figuratively or literally. I have to fight the tears at the reality that one day, she won't want me to hold her all the time or kiss her all over. I take pictures and write memories and try to burn the experience in my mind but I know time will pass and memories will fade. I am grateful for these thoughts, as painful as they can be, because they give me the pause I need to be more intentional. These realities get me on the floor to play more, postpone the house work a little longer, walk at a snails pace to watch my not yet two foot tall daughter discover the world from a different perspective.
I agree with C.S. Lewis when he said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I am grateful for the vulnerability of love and the opposing depths that vulnerability provides. 

The Solid Rock

I have had the words of a hymn ringing in my head making their way out of my mouth in a quiet hum (because I don't know all the words) but the refrain rings loud and clear.

"On Christ the solid rock I stand.
All other ground is sinking sand. "

On further research, here is the entire song. I think worth reading over or singing aloud if you know it.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

I begin this post with this hymn of grace because I need perspective this morning.

I watched a program called "Did 9-11 Affect Your Faith". Face after face came in the frame, some laymen but most leaders of different faiths, saying they could not reconcile this event with a loving God. It made my heart ache because I have had these same thoughts and sometimes still do. I long for God to be able to console each of those hearts individually and personally and in such a real meaninful way. It is one thing to lose a loved one in a tragedy but to lose your faith on top of that is devistating.

Ask the hard questions, God can take it. Get with people who are willing and able to walk through the beautiful depths of truth with you. Wrestling with your faith is important and so worth it.

If any of you ever want to have conversations about life, God, love, truth, etc., I am always up for a coffee date. Let me know.

Great Expectations

Daniel and I have been married for a little over two years and have not seen a vacation since our honeymoon. I am also the busy, working, sleep deprived mom of a teething 14 month old. I was offered the chance at my first girls weekend getaway and quickly said yes and made the arrangements for Daniel to get off work to watch the baby. That original plan was cancelled. Providently I was asked to go to a gorgeous beach house with my family on the very same weekend for basically free. Thank you Lord! Daniel already had the time off and it sounded like a great way to end the summer and was in our budget. As the date approached for our fantastic weekend, I was picturing long romantic walks on the beach and lazy lounging days with my feet in the sand a book in my hand, and a last chance at a bit of color to get me through the winter months. Hurricane Irene had different plans. 



Again, the plans were changed, but not canceled and we were able to re-route our getaway to the mountains of Charlottesville, again for only the price of gas and food. You may be thinking at this point in the story how lucky I am, that I should get out and play the lottery, however this story takes a turn quite quickly.


I am a planning, list making person, and already the upheaval in my plans was making me feel a bit clammy. I put my control issues on the back burner for the hope of a well needed getaway. We finally got the word on Thursday we could go to the mountains on Friday. The news continued to speak of a storm of epic proportions. I got little to no sleep the night before and we wanted to get on the road early so as to avoid the "evacuation" traffic. A clingy little girl helped me to pack in fits and starts. My wonderful husband loaded the car as I sat in near tears on the edge of our bed stating, "I don't even know if I packed underwear". Believe me folks I am DEPENDENT on lists and preparation!
He brought the bag back up and called out to a despondent wife the articles of clothing included in our bag. We finally got on the road at around 8 I think. Simone took a mini nap and then decided to make her displeasure with being confined in a car seat known (for the majority of the trip). We got the news on the way my mom/babysitter was not going to be able to make it due to the storm. We got lost trying to find the place were meant to arrive and spoke to some locals who had accents so think it was unclear if they were still speaking English. We finally made our way to a house that was opened in preparation for us and waited for our hosts to arrive several house later.
Day 1 of our vacation was not as dreamy as I anticipated but I was hopeful for the remaining portion. We did have a wonderful dinner that night while baby was sleeping. My hopes were dashed mere hours later when I had finally laid my head down to rest. I found myself with a screaming, inconsolable, teething terror, who continually recited her three word vocabulary to me from 12 am until 3 am. Finally she joined me in my twin bed to fall asleep precariously close the edge and tested my sleeping reflexes over and over as she violently turned from side to side. Needless to say the 5:30 am wake up of Day 2 of our vacation was not well greeted by me. I requested (probably not as kindly as I could) that my husband wake up with her.
I slept till 7 and had some breakfast. We tried to get a morning nap in much to no avail and decided to venture off without the nap. (Let me just say here there are many first time mom mistakes in this portion of the story)We made our way in the drizzly rain to Montpelier, James Madison's former residence. It was gorgeous but I quickly discovered quiet museums and toddlers don't mix (1st time mom mistake #2). We took a tour around the property and learned about the slaves that really ran the household. This was very interesting but a bit soggy. We then entered into the inside tour of the estate. My aunt kindly offered to watch the baby outside. We made it through the greeting room and dining room before we all decided it was better to go back home and get the little princess a nap. I saw the disappointment on my history loving husbands face.
We got back to the house with the storm pressing in and beautifully ominous skies. Simone went down for a nap easily and we explored a little of the property but the rain started to fall so we settled for watching t.v. (not my idea of an exciting vacation). We did have another lovely dinner that night and some good conversation. We decided to push the two twin beds together in effort to catch a little bit better sleep. I slept in the crack most of the night and little miss was still quite fitful. We awoke to news of flooding and our hosts needing to get back to the office. We quickly packed up and cleaned up to head back home. We  tried to plan it just right but again we headed out without a morning nap. (mistake #3 and strike your out). We tried to stop for lunch and let her stretch her legs only to find most towns had no electricity and therefore nothing was open. (Insert spousal bickering here.)
*Side note - My husband really should be sainted for putting up with me sometimes.
We finally did make it home and just crashed, all of our belongings piled in the middle of our living room. We learned quite a few valuable lessons on this very merry unvacation.
We are going to try for another mini weekend vacation coming up sans baby. I will try to keep my expectations a bit more reasonable this time.

September is my Favorite Month

I LOVE SEPTEMBER!

I just need to get that out there on the outset. There is something so exciting to me about this month. I don't know if it is from years of anticipation of school beginning and the preparation of laying out the perfect outfit, having a new back pack full of new supplies, and the prospect of new friends (yes I am a bit on the nerdy side). Maybe it is because it represents the beginning of a fabulous season filled with celebrations on each and every month until spring. September gets my creative juices flowing. I want to start fresh, bake things from scratch, create handmade cards, enjoy the harvest, dress up, sing. 

Summer lovers you may want to avert your eyes... I love feeling the cool weather creeping back in. I am excited about fall clothes, and hats, and coats. I am looking forward to turning leaves, and crisp air, drinking a hot beverage without sweating. Strangely enough, I don't care one bit about football. I like the events though. I am going to break out my pumpkin spice and cranberry candles and welcome my friend September in with a warm mug of apple cider. I love fall!

Did you know September is National Preparedness Month? Maybe that is why I want to organize everything. September also hosts these other fine holidays:

5th- Labor Day

11th- National Granparents Day

19th- National Talk Like a Pirate Day

21st- International Day of Peace

I mean how could you not love September?

Is anybody with me or do I live in the land of beach bum, sun worshipping, mourners of summer? If you are a fall fanatic, lets get together and be festive. Apple picking anyone?

God is good all the time? (A humble quest for truth)

I struggle with understanding God's goodness. I almost can't type that knowing other people will read it, but I usually live by honesty is the best policy.
Today I burst into uncontrollable tears at my desk at work (good thing I am alone most of the time) after reading another bloggers post about how she has lost two of her three children to a disease called SMA. I don't know these people and I am just making a mess of myself here this morning. Also my sister is in the hospital watching her brand new baby girl go into surgery for spina bifida. It seems I have heard a lot of tough stories lately and sometimes I have the faith to say, "God is good". Today I was surprised by the pain in my heart and the question in my mind as I read this fellow mom's, but otherwise stranger's, blog; "Why do you let bad things happen?" " Do you let bad things happen?" I am unsure of the theology behind how this works and it does bug me.  I have grown more conservative and humble in my years as a Christian and am at  the point where I just have to believe he is good and there are things I can't understand. As a control freak that sometimes gets to me and shakes me to the core.
Maybe I am just older, or more sensitive because I am a mom, or maybe I am closer to the heart of God than before, but all I know is in the past year I have cried my fair share of heart wrenching sobs (read ugly cry) over complete strangers stories. It is exhausting! On one hand I know that we live in a broken world and there are consequences for that. I know that as a child of God I am to stand in the gap in prayer for the hurting, the lost, the disenfranchised, the forgotten. On the other hand I feel like a little girl looking to her big strong daddy for help and wondering why his hands are tied.
I am not a theologian. I do however do a fair share of reading and I have read plenty of perspectives on this subject, some encouraging some maddening. I am unsure of the theology behind how God's justice works and it does bug me.  I have grown more conservative and humble in my years as a Christian and am at  the point where I lean more to the side of just believing He is good and there are things I can't understand. As a control freak that sometimes gets to me and shakes me to the core. Especially when the rubber meets the road in tough reality.
I write this post mainly to open a healthy conversation, and to remind you all to pray continually. There is so much work to be done in the prayer closet and I know I tire too quickly. If we stand together I believe the load becomes lighter.
I will lead you with an excerpt from a blog written by a much more accomplished and wise man than I, the way he puts it makes sense to me and gives me perspective.
" This life counts with God. What we decide about him here leads to how God responds to us in judgment. Once we are dead, the door is shut and the book is closed. Is this harsh? Only if one decides that God sending Jesus, His son, to die for us, take our place, and offer us the free gift of his saving grace if we will only receive Him and His gift is not good enough for God's creatures. There is nothing harsh about the offer of the gospel–or its consequences for rejecting it. There is only tragedy if one refuses to accept God's gracious way of salvation that we cannot make happen for ourselves on our own work or strength anyway." Dr. Darrell Bock (read more of his blog here)
As I quietly half discussed tragedy in my heart with God, He reminded me He not only lost His son but watched Him go through a great deal of suffering. I am humbled by that and my heart rests again in the fact that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are high above mine.  Isaiah 55:9

What are you thoughts or experiences on the goodness of God?

Lord here my prayer...
Alyssa Love
The Manross Family
The Molina Family
Anna Destiny
Micah
The Orphans
The Battered Woman
The Homeless
Rwanda
Our Country and President
Pastor Dan

Lord I am one small heart yearning for your kingdom. My vision and influence are small but I am here. Lend your ear to your weak, broken servant, and bring Your Kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven. In Jesus name. Amen.

I asked for a house and I got a temple.

Glass half empty: I live in a 1000 sqft condo, up a flight of stairs, surrounded on three sides by other people. I have no yard, and my porch view is of another condo complex. I want more children. My home has only two bedrooms.

Glass half full: I have a nice, clean, cool home to live in. The rent is very affordable. I get to take a hot shower every day, my water is clean, my fridge is full, and my family is happy and healthy.

I realize we all oscillate between wanting more and struggling to be satisfied, the above is an example of my daily internal monologue. You see, I have been dreaming of home owner ship for somewhere around two years now. We had even gone so far as to pre-qualify and try to take advantage of that ridiculous tax credit, much to no avail. It seems all my friends were able to buy homes, and I have found myself more often than not wallowing in self pity. With half prayers that go a little something like this...
"I work hard, I am an honest, faithful person. Is it too much to ask to just want a place to call my own, where I can plant some roots, and make a safe place for my family to grow?"
A reasonable request I have often thought to myself. The desire for a house is not bad in and of itself, I know, but lately the smallness of my dream has struck me as sad.
My husband and I are working our butts off day in and day out to OWN A HOME! Is that all? That is the biggest dream I can manage? That is what my entire life's work will amount to? Surely not! I think it is time to expand the vision.
With impaired vision, I ask for a house with a yard, and my loving Father points out He has already made me a Temple. I ask for friendly neighbors, and He reminds me that He dwells with me Himself. So instead of packing up moving boxes, I have a broom in head to sweep out the corners of my heart in preparation for a coming King. I want this bodily household to be a ready place for the Spirit to dwell. I want the curb appeal to be off the charts, and for all to feel welcome. I want the man of the house to be seated in His rightful place.

I know the chores are daily and may even get monotonous but today I have the fervor of a spring cleaning momma. Who is cleaning house with me?

1Corinthians 6:19 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? you are not your own;"

We Are All Looking for a Little Magic

I feel  the stirring with certain music, or the perfect combination of circumstances, or daydreaming after watching a movie. It is the stirring in my mind for the desire of a little bit of magic in my life. Even now as I write this, I wish to make it sound more marvelous than it really is. That is the power of the author, to edit out the mundane, and spin the scene into an array of beautiful blurred colors so as to obscure the harsh lines of reality. Well, I am beginning to tire of chasing the dragon.

I want to jump on a different train. Destination: Eyes Wide Open. Scary I know. The only reason I think I have the audacity to pen that is that I am beginning to unravel the mystery of the Triune God. I don't have it even close to figured out, so there will be no theological seminars from this girl. But, I find myself every now and again, instead of being satisfied with material inebriation, dreaming of a far off place. A place where I will be restored to my original design and where ALL children will be cherished, a place where bitter tears aren't wept and I will know real rest. My mind is newly captivated by the place where my Father dwells and the coming of my glorious bride groom.
Don't get me wrong, I still find myself struggling with my desire for the latest fashion, a house of my own, an adventurous excursion, or prestige. But after 27 years of life on this Earth, I have the faintest scent of the decaying rot that is worldly winnings. My interest is now piqued in eternal investments, with unbelievable returns.

I guess I should thank the directors, the musicians, the advertisers. Although, it took me a while, your attempts to sell me cheap thrills and marinate my mind in Novocaine have awakened the most true and deep desire of my soul. I am brimming with the knowledge that there is nothing here that will keep me full.  I need  a drink of water from my Father's hand.
We are all walking around with that same internal, insatiable thirst, pouring drinks over our heads for some relief. The spiritual dehydration manifests itself differently in each one of us. Some of us are better at coping. My prayer is that each of you would wake to find your true condition, whether it is for the first time or the hundredth time. There is a Man at a well drawing sweet, deep water for you. Drink freely, and be restored.

In the time from this breath until my last, I will pray for the wisdom to find the magic in the daily  moments. I will learn from the Author of life how to create my own soundtrack from the beats of ordinary life. I will dance boldly (in my living room) to the rhythm of the melody of right now. Tune your ears in folks your life is happening all around you. Don't miss it! What is your song today? Zephaniah 3:17

The Lost Art of Professional Motherhood

I received the gift of one entire month as a full time stay at home mom. I was amped at the beginning with dreams of playdates, arts and crafts, fresh baked treats, and adventures dancing in my head. I found myself ill equipped for the task.

I was raised by an amazing single mother who often worked a lot. While this teach me a great deal of self preservation, I don't know what it is to have a PTA mother, a come to lunch and bring your entire class cupcakes kind of mother, a make your halloween costume from scratch kind of mother. I don't feel like I missed out yet I do feel I want to give more to my daughter. So I was obviously stoked when I found my attention undivided. I quickly realized with a one year old as your only company 24-7 can be very draining. Each mornin I woke up with good intentions and toddlerhood slapped me in the face with teething, tantrums, fitfull naps, spills, and accidents looming at every corner to name a few.

It took all my strength, patience, and organizational skills just to get us both out the door NOT naked. You would think with all my office experience, scheduling meetings, arranging others schedules, I could arrange a play date with someone... you would think.

There were quite a few days where I found myself at my wits end. Longing for a group of women to call or come over or just be a mess together with. But, most of the mother's I know work or if they don't are also just getting through the day. My small stint as a full time mother made me wonder if our busy society has lost a little bit of the art of motherhood. Please don't take this the wrong way. I know there are a lot of amazing, strong, mothers out there making it work with what they have. But, I was longing for a community of professional mother's of all ages. The matriarchs of our society with a wealth of knowledge to tap into of a lifetime of the world's most important job. The newbies to call and cry, "Is it normal to feel this way?" While I appreciate the virtual community we have through facebook and blogging, etc. there is nothing that can replace human contact.

So now I find myself back at work, full time, missing my daughter on the regular. But also breathing a sigh of relief for time out of the house, for the chance to excel at something, to have a lunch break, and for a little extra money. I do feel conflicted though. Like maybe I failed. Or maybe I needed more training. I know
each season has rewards and challenges of it's own but this is at the root of who I was designed to be. Maybe if I had more time to create a network, work out the kinks. I do pray for the opportunity to master my full time mothering skills again. Until then I will try to be the best mom I can be in the times I am with my little sprout and the times I am not I want to cultivate a life of prayer so that the Heavenly Father, who is always with her will guide her steps even now.

I would love to hear thoughts on this post. Are any of you feeling the same way? Am I wrong? Was I just looking in the wrong places for resources, did I not have enough time? I would love to know as I continue to grow into this lifetime position.

Testing My Resolve

re·solve

   [ri-zolv]  Show IPA verb, -solved, -solv·ing,noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine(to do something): I have resolved that I shall live according to God's promises.

I was groomed to believe that because I was smart and willing to work hard, I would be successful. My life took a drastic turn in my first year of college after I dropped out of an overloaded, overachieving, pre-med schedule, to search out my spiritual side and escape a broken heart.

 I am an all or nothing person so when I decided to search out Christianity, I did it with gusto and packed up my stuff to move to a foreign country where I knew no one to be a MISSIONARY. (don't you have to know that Jesus is the way to tell other people about Him?) I digress, I entered my zealous faith with a heady belief that if I submitted my life to Christ I would magically become more awesome and find the perfect husband and the perfect family, and oh save the world. Seven years, a husband, and a child later I know that not to be exactly true. 

A little over a month ago I was laid off at my job. I felt an uncanny peace about it and left the building with hope in my heart. Several freak outs later, I got a letter from the Employment Commission stating they were going to give me a check every week as I looked for work. I felt the anvil on my chest lift and a smile curl on my face. Thank you God for your provision! I even wrote it on our white board under "God's provision". 

We got mixed responses and plenty of opinions started rolling out about my unemployed situation. The neighbor asked me as I was walking the baby, "You haven't found a job yet?" I declined. She responded, "You aren't looking very hard are you?" Thank you very much lady who I have spoken to twice in my life. As if I wasn't feeling dejected enough. Fast forward a month later and several hours of my life wasted on hold trying to speak to a human about why I wasn't receiving a check yet, I got a letter in the mail stating I was disqualified for unemployment because I was only available for part time. Kick a girl while she is down why don't you?

Well, this blog isn't just to complain about government run programs or how life isn't fair. Really, I just wanted to express that though I waiver, (often) I have to continue to believe that God really does have a plan for my life. I don't know all the ins and outs of the theology of it, or what the percentage of His action to mine is, but I have to believe. I will crumble under distress if I don't.  In answer to a repetitive prayer of only, "God I need your help and I really need wisdom." I was offered a job the very same night I got the rejection letter. I have an interview on Monday. Although it is full time and I have had a solid cry already about the possibility of being away from the joy in my life 40 hours a week, I got an answer to prayer and provision. 

The last seven years have been a slow, sometimes painful lesson of realizing I really am not in control. Not only am I not, I am finally realizing I really wouldn't want to be. I am beginning to see myself in the bright light of a Holy God. My heart is ultimately selfish and greedy and often fears man over God. I can't trust a person like that. 

So today I again set my resolve to believe that God is good and loving, and despite my circumstances has a terrific plan for not only me but the generations to follow me. My life may never look very glorious or successful by the world standards, but maybe one day my heart will desire nothing more than to always  be just an offering poured out to a worthy God. So raise your glass, even though it may be empty, to the author and finisher of our faith. 

Losing my job was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Some of you may well know, I was laid off a couple of weeks ago. I was surprisingly not devastated. I owe that to the grace of God. My husband on the other hand gave me the silent somber response when I shared the news. That, I think is far worse than yelling and stomping around. So the first few days were a bit shaky and scary but I still had a hope and excitement in my heart. I humbly applied for unemployment wondering if it was even worth it (you have to reapply every week). Turns out the government wanted to give me a raise to be a stay at home mom and domestic goddess. Thank you very much! Side note: I wonder why so many people abuse the government systems?

So, with a bit of the pressure off, and some God given time, I began to make lists of all the things that have been put on the back burner. Blogging, baking, arts & crafts, reorganizing my pantry, having dinner ready for the hubby each night, a more structured schedule for my little one, the list really is ever growing. I am busier than I ever have been and not doing anything of much consequence but I am more fulfilled in an apron with my child climbing my legs than I ever have been before.

I find great solace in the traditional female role. I feel I was created for it. I know this may not be for everyone  but, in todays social climate, I find myself feeling the need to explain my worth as a stay at home mom. I see a bit of question in people's eyes when they realize I don't have a degree and may not ever have one, or a dream of a budding career. I simply long to keep a peaceful, orderly, God glorifying home. I want my children to be my legacy and my husband to feel well loved. I want my talent and brains to be poured out right in my very own kitchen and living room not the corporate conference room. I want my rewards and accolades to be macaroni necklaces, and finger painted master pieces. I want my retirement package to include children turned self sustaining adults, compassionate profound human beings, and passionate pursuers of Christ.
Even if my present position only lasts a short while, I want to be the best *cussin stay at home mom I could ever be.

*The Fantastic Mr. Fox reference (watch it, it is clever)

Resolute?

Having a child has inspired me to improve myself. For real this time. I have always been the type to get amped up and go strong for eh... two weeks and then fizzle out back into the overwhelmed, disorganized, too hard on myself, self.
This year as New Years rolled around, my mind was more focused on how my actions affect my family rather than my waistline. Although believe me that is not far from my mind and may be the subject of a different post but, I digress. Since my bundle came into this world,  my mind has reeled about what I would tell, or more importantly show, my precious daughter about God as she grows more curious. I realized I need to get a few things figured out in my own mind.
 So... my brilliant idea was to read through the Bible in a year with the intention of getting to know God's character better firsthand.  I started off strong; in hand a day by day check off list, cup of tea, Bible, pens, highlighters, paper. I dutifully read my daily reading and sometimes even read ahead. I made lineage trees, notes of how long people lived, looked up random things in the Concordance. I was my typical over the top self. Mind you this process also started as we were fasting T.V. for 21 days, which happens to make finding time to read the Bible WAY easier!
Then, oh well life rolled on, we got sick, T.V. came back on, I slept in, I got bored somewhere in the begat, begat, begat, and I found myself about a week behind. Every night I would say to myself, "I need to catch up on my Bible reading." I was seeing my goal slip out from underneath me. I picked up my boots, sat myself at down, opened my Bible and said, "Oh no you don't, not this time. This is too important and such a simple task not to do it." So I read my way through Exodus and on to Leviticus. Man are there some bizarre things in there, and some really quite boring instructions on how to build the "Tent of Meeting" *TWICE. I keep thinking, how is this going to help me represent God better in my own life and to my daughter?
The truth is, this goal has been challenging to my level of discipline, has raised some theological sore spots I have always had, and in general has shown me how little I know about the religion I profess. I am just praying that God sees my heart and knows my intention, and will honor my desire to know His true character, and doesn't mind all my questions.
 In the meantime, I am marveling at the miracle of motherhood and feeling closer to God the Father. No theological debates, no word studies, no words at all, just full arms and a full heart, and such a deep ache for the absolute best for my girl. Maybe that is just the way God is. While I am busy trying to welcome Him into the front door of my mind, He uses His key to come in the back door of my heart.

Frame of Reference

I got an hour glass for Christmas. I have watched it more than a few times to figure out if it is exactly an hour. Thanks to some help from a co-worker, we figure it is exactly 30.5 minutes of sand. I turned 27 on January 15th. I realized I am quite close to 30 and that 30 isn't what it used to be. My daughter turned 6 months on the 29th of December and has hit major milestones at an alarming rate since then. All this to say, I literally can feel time flying by me. It sort of terrifies me and at the same time lights a fire under my arse to cling to the moments I have. I have spent a majority of my life wishing I looked different, lived somewhere else, was married, had a different job, could quit school, could go back to school. You get the point. Now I am happily married with a beautiful child a place of my own, I have traveled, I have tried different jobs, I have had plenty of money, and now not so much. I realize a little more now in the fresh start of my 27th year, there will always be something to look forward to, to reach for, to plan for but, right now, I might be missing the happiness of the things I longed for ten years ago.
Ten years ago, was 2001, I was getting ready to graduate high school. I was at the beginning of my fresh almost adult life. That time has passed by in a blink of an eye. Now I use that frame of reference for my next ten years and am aware I need to be a better moment appreciator. People say to me all the time, enjoy every moment with your daughter they will be gone so soon. I have thought in response I will just have lots of children spaced far enough apart that I can enjoy the baby phase for nearly half my life. Then Simone wakes up every hour on the hour through the night and I think, one might be enough.
 I look at my husband and see the grey hair popping up and the laugh lines starting to deepen, and at my own self in the mirror my body a stranger to me now after the battle scars of pregnancy and I know we will not be young forever nor will we live forever. Lately my life feels like that hour glasses draining sand. Just dropping from one bulbous end to the other so nonchalantly counting down the half hours of my life. I desperately want to plug up the hole catch the sand to remember that half hour. Time isn't so kind.
Instead I will savor these moments, journal about them, capture them on film, and share them with posterity in hopes that my children and their children will be better at living in the now. So that maybe George Bernard Shaw will be proved wrong, and youth won't be wasted on the young.

So here are some simple moments I don't want to forget...

 My gorgeous husband holding my sweet daughter. He is totally in love with her and that makes me more in love with him.

 A most beautiful breakfast in bed served to me after a rare sleep in. From my true love.

 A surprise birthday cake after a glorious sushi dinner from my darling sister.

 First time sitting up on her own. Big growing girl.

First pig tails. She is the joy in my heart.

It is these little moments that you can string together to make a fabric of happiness to wrap yourself up in.