The birthday weekend did not get started as I had anticipated. It took me an hour and a half to get off work, pick up the baby, and get home in traffic. Once arriving home I find my husband passed out in bed feeling awful and a hungry baby repeating over and over yummies. I quickly realize the kitchen is a disaster and there is no food to cook, not that I could manage any culinary skills in that war zone, I pack the little one back up in the car and make my way to the grocery store. Picking up many more items than I intended, I finally get my daughter dinner way too late for her liking. After a tearful dinner, we tried a hot bath to transition into night time. Only a few moments into Simone's relaxing bath, she is clamoring for me fearfully, trying desperately to get out of the bath. I looked over the edge to see the culprit was a turd that she perceived as "trying to get her". Oh the joys of motherhood!
I swept her out of the tub, pulled all the toys out, drained the tub, she peed on the floor, I gave her a second bath, and finally got her to sleep.
I did manage to escape to Life Group for some much needed fellowship and studying of the Word, after both my babies were tucked in bed.
Saturday began with cleaning most of the day, not my idea of a fun birthday. Then my MIL, the baby, and I decided to attempt shopping. Let's just say an 18 month old doesn't quite grasp the intrigue of looking in countless stores and getting dressed and undressed over and over again. At this point I conceded, in my mind, that this is just what grown-up birthdays look like.
ENTER GLORIOUS, MAGICAL, ACTUAL DAY OF BIRTH.
Simone and I woke up slowly singing "Happy to you", her verion of Happy Birthday to You. My first birthday gift was my big girl going pee pee on the potty. HOORAY. We called Daddy at work to tell him the good news and I was passed from post to post trying to contact him, not uncommon in the Norfolk City Jail, only to get back to the original person I talked to, they couldn't find him. Oh well, we called Nonna to let her know instead. Then we got ready to go to church to celebrate my birthday with Jesus.
Daniel called me shortly before we left from his cell phone, which is unusual because he can't take his cell phone in the jail, to tell me he had to transport an inmate to another jail and to wish me a Happy Birthday.
All things as normal until coffee break comes at church and as I sit alone sipping my morning brew, someone taps me, very close to my butt. I am thinking, who is getting fresh with me this morning, turn to find my most handsome husband with a fist full of flowers. It took me several moments to compute why he was there. I asked him if he was working, dumb question. He said he had been off all day and had gotten up at 4:30 a.m and left the house to convince me that he had gone to work all just to surprise me. I was elated and grinning from ear to ear. Spending the day together was just what I had wanted. We heard a fantastic sermon and got challenged by the word of God.
We went home for a quick lunch and a nap for the little one. My husband proceeds to give me a foot massage and then ask me if I want to go shopping for a birthday outfit, does he know me or what. We pack up and go to TJ Maxx my favorite one stop shop. I get a few birthday outfits.
We went home for Simone to catch a second nap to be well rested for my birthday dinner and I got to take a nice long shower and actually do my hair and make-up. My husband tells me I look lovely and he wishes we had planned something more fancy because I am all dressed up. We stopped at Barnes & Noble to get some books, my happy tank is already brimming. Then we head over to our dear friends house for the planned home made birthday dinner.
We are welcomed into the house as usual and as I turn the corner, the room is filled with people I have come to love shouting SURPRISE! My husband and friends had pulled together one of my life long dreams, a TRUE SURPRISE PARTY! I had no idea. These friends were committed to throwing me off the track. I had numerous people tell me they were sorry they were busy the weekend of my birthday and that maybe we could do something the following weekend. I was so excited to say the least.
As the party began and the beautiful dishes everyone brought to share were uncovered, someone asked if we could get a group photo before we got started. The girls all pile in together to strike a pose and Daniel says, "I think Teva should take the picture" and hands me the most beautiful Canon Rebel T3, the camera I have been dreaming of since 2004. Could this day get any better?
We feasted, we visited, we laughed, I had a cupcake, the babies helped me open presents I never expected to get, and my heart was more full then I think it may have ever been. I can't really begin to explain, beyond the obvious reasons, but it felt like one of the moments in life where you could just stop and live forever.
I account this story not to brag, though I do have some of the best friends and family around, and not only to remember but to encourage. I was never more aware than last night that God knows us intimately and has designed us to be in relationship with Him and with each other. My true hope and wish as I blew out my candle on my 28th birthday was that all people can feel the kind of love I felt last night as well as the love that continues to grow in the day in and day out of being a wife and a mother. On the flip side of that same coin, if your life doesn't facilitate these amazing circumstances, and I pray it will at least once or twice, God is sufficient. He can be the husband the father and the life of the party in the quiet of your very own heart.
My hearts waking prayer this morning that arose without my summoning was, "let it be according to Your will". My heart is more inclined to be at rest with God at the helm with each passing year. With that in mind I can't wait to be get older.
Thank you to all you who took time out of your lives to make this day such a special celebration. I look forward to watching how God will continue to use all of us to grow and love one another.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Difference 6 Months makes
I am so in awe at the speed in which my daughter is learning. From June until now she has learned to walk, run, speak, follow directions, show compassion, laugh at something humorous, make her desires known, twist a cap, drink from a straw a cup a bottle, and she knows her colors (mostly). She is a sponge and a parrot.
When she arrived back from her 7 day "vacation" my eyes were opened afresh to her amazing abilities. She looked older to me after just a week and knew words that she hadn't left knowing. The newest thing she has learned is how to express gratitude, "shankchu". She is constantly telling me what color things are even if it isn't always quite right. Her heart is full of compassion; furrowing her brow and pursing her lips to say "awwww" when she hears a baby cry or if someone has a "boo-boo". She was carrying a figurine of a little boy the other day and accidentally dropped it and his head fell off. She was so concerned patting the headless body against her chest saying, "Awww baby". Even after I put it away for days she kept saying, "Aww baby". I had to super glue his head back on just to put her heart at ease.
I love seeing her personality emerge and know, in part she learns from us, but there is a divinely written script of her very own already written on her heart. She loves to give hugs and kisses. She squeezes me tight and gives me a little grunt to let me know she loves me. She still loves nay needs to be holding my finger and digging her little nail under mine any time she is relaxing, watching t.v., riding in the car, falling asleep. She loves physical touch.
It seems miraculous to me that only 18 short months ago she was still taking residence in my very own body. Even more so that 9 months before that we knew nothing of her existence. I am grateful for the honor of being a parent and the lessons I learn daily and the weaknesses it highlights in my own character and the deep desire it ignites in me to live a simpler life.
I love that the explosion of development in such a short time reminds me that life could be entirely different in only six short months. A hug and a smile can change the climate of an entire room. When you fail or don't get things quite right, you should still keep trying. Learning is critical to living a full life and keep moving forward.
I want to remember these times and remind myself of the childlike nature that is in me. I want to savor these sweet moments so if a tougher time comes, I can pull these memories out of my pocket and carry on with a secret grin despite of teenage angst. As life constantly changes and I remain unable to see the future, I want to remember the vast difference only a short few months can make and be grateful that His mercies are new every morning.
When she arrived back from her 7 day "vacation" my eyes were opened afresh to her amazing abilities. She looked older to me after just a week and knew words that she hadn't left knowing. The newest thing she has learned is how to express gratitude, "shankchu". She is constantly telling me what color things are even if it isn't always quite right. Her heart is full of compassion; furrowing her brow and pursing her lips to say "awwww" when she hears a baby cry or if someone has a "boo-boo". She was carrying a figurine of a little boy the other day and accidentally dropped it and his head fell off. She was so concerned patting the headless body against her chest saying, "Awww baby". Even after I put it away for days she kept saying, "Aww baby". I had to super glue his head back on just to put her heart at ease.
I love seeing her personality emerge and know, in part she learns from us, but there is a divinely written script of her very own already written on her heart. She loves to give hugs and kisses. She squeezes me tight and gives me a little grunt to let me know she loves me. She still loves nay needs to be holding my finger and digging her little nail under mine any time she is relaxing, watching t.v., riding in the car, falling asleep. She loves physical touch.
It seems miraculous to me that only 18 short months ago she was still taking residence in my very own body. Even more so that 9 months before that we knew nothing of her existence. I am grateful for the honor of being a parent and the lessons I learn daily and the weaknesses it highlights in my own character and the deep desire it ignites in me to live a simpler life.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Back to the Basics
I, like many, love the New Year. I love a fresh start. I like a spring clean. I secretly like Mondays.
This year as I rang in the new year by myself and baby free, I got some rare moments of complete silence and nothing to do. Before I could get too far in my list making and goal setting, I felt that still small voice whisper, get back to the basics. This past year felt like a bit of a holding pattern. Although there was much change with becoming parents, I feel like I was just winging it most of the time, and circling around the same mountain over and over. This year not being as much of a novice mom, I am ready to be more intentional. This year marking a decade of being a Christian, I am finally coming to the end of myself and beginning to understand, John 15:5 "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
I am all too often tossed on the wind of doubt and indecision described in James 1:6, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." instead of residing in the place of peace beside sill waters.
I know I will not master this in a year nor a life time but I am resolved to begin by knowing the text I proclaim to believe and follow, and therefore the One who wrote it.
My tangible plan is to read the Bible in a year. Admittedly I have tried to do this many time before and therefore have read Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus many many times. This year I pray my results are different and daily ask for help in not only the completion of the task but a joy in doing it.
Also in the spirit of discipline and getting back to the basics, I have decided to try and do something "physical" everyday. Even if it is only 10 push ups, a brisk walk, or a full on work out. With a complete understanding of my limited time and usual lack of motivation, I recognize something is better than nothing. Hopefully the little bit will turn into a little bit more and eventually a happy, healthy, habit. I want to be alive and mobile and healthy when I am a grand mother and a great grand mother, God willing.
In an effort to set myself up for success, I am fasting television for 30 days, to maximize my free time. I am also listening to only Christian music for 30 days to constantly remind my soul to worship and hunger for the Truth.
And if in 9 days I am already off track, I am grateful God gave me another new beginning unique to me. My 28th year surely will be a year of new beginnings.
This year as I rang in the new year by myself and baby free, I got some rare moments of complete silence and nothing to do. Before I could get too far in my list making and goal setting, I felt that still small voice whisper, get back to the basics. This past year felt like a bit of a holding pattern. Although there was much change with becoming parents, I feel like I was just winging it most of the time, and circling around the same mountain over and over. This year not being as much of a novice mom, I am ready to be more intentional. This year marking a decade of being a Christian, I am finally coming to the end of myself and beginning to understand, John 15:5 "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
I am all too often tossed on the wind of doubt and indecision described in James 1:6, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." instead of residing in the place of peace beside sill waters.
I know I will not master this in a year nor a life time but I am resolved to begin by knowing the text I proclaim to believe and follow, and therefore the One who wrote it.
My tangible plan is to read the Bible in a year. Admittedly I have tried to do this many time before and therefore have read Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus many many times. This year I pray my results are different and daily ask for help in not only the completion of the task but a joy in doing it.
Also in the spirit of discipline and getting back to the basics, I have decided to try and do something "physical" everyday. Even if it is only 10 push ups, a brisk walk, or a full on work out. With a complete understanding of my limited time and usual lack of motivation, I recognize something is better than nothing. Hopefully the little bit will turn into a little bit more and eventually a happy, healthy, habit. I want to be alive and mobile and healthy when I am a grand mother and a great grand mother, God willing.
In an effort to set myself up for success, I am fasting television for 30 days, to maximize my free time. I am also listening to only Christian music for 30 days to constantly remind my soul to worship and hunger for the Truth.
And if in 9 days I am already off track, I am grateful God gave me another new beginning unique to me. My 28th year surely will be a year of new beginnings.
Monday, January 2, 2012
A hole in my heart
My sweet Simone has gone to visit her paternal family in Florida for SEVEN days WITHOUT me. The visit fell shortly after Christmas and over the new year which is always a very sentimental and reflective time for me anyways. My little one leaving on her first plane ride has compounded that emotion.
I awoke on the 29th of December at 5am to stare at her and try to burn the memory of her little toes and pursed lips letting the slight breath in and out, in and out. I am keenly aware that becoming a parent has gouged a huge hole in my heart. A hole that only the tiny voice, the little giggle, the sweet cuddles can fill. I feel immediate terror and physical pain at the thought of losing her or failing her. All of this is magnified by the fact that her life will be out of my hands for an entire week.
As I lay in my bed the night before sobbing about the possibilities of things going wrong, I am sweetly reminded by God, that life is always really out of my hands. Though this reminder is really not all that comforting to a control freak. I know He hears my heart but I form words in my mind like, "That is one thing I can't handle, please don't test my threshold, I won't know how to live without her." As the fears reel in my mind I am also confronted with a sadness for my lack of faith and understanding of eternity. I had a good hard sob, and because this occurred while having a chest cold I also had a long coughing spell.
The morning came and I was distracted by lists of what to remember and trying to be to the airport on time. Then I played with my girl in the airport trying to create mental pictures to tide me over. Reminding myself it is only seven days, which is nothing in the big scheme of things. Then boarding time came and the hand off to Grandpa and CeCe. I was holding it all together until I saw my little girls brow furrow in confusion as to why we were waving her good bye. Then I turned away because I couldn't hold it in any longer, the tears came uninvited again.
I demanded to be taken to Waffletown to drown my sorrows in belgian waffles and syrup. I tried to think of all the things I could do while I was "free". I went to the mall, I got a manicure and pedicure, I went out to dinner with friends with no regard to time, I stayed up late and slept in, I took a nice long hot bath. Though all of this was pleasant, I am forever changed by the joy that being a mother brings. I would forego endless time to myself for the love of my daughter.
Then New Years Eve came around with all its nostalgia and hope for a fresh start and I found myself alone. Again I felt the tears threatening to make an appearance and as in all times of deep need, I turned to God for comfort. I was deeply shaken by my need for my family. I know it is a good thing on one hand but I also know that God intends to be my foundation and my all.
"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matt. 10:37) I have deeply struggled with scripture of this nature. As I meditated on the heart of the text, I saw the word single-mindedness. God's commands come out of a place of love and a desire for our highest good. I cannot even begin to unveil the entire truth of the perfection of the good order of "seeking first the Kingdom of God". So, I searched my heart and cried out for a a new desperation for my Lord and the wisdom to hold my most precious gifts with an open hand. I prayed for the strength of heart to say in my darkest hour, "Though He slay me, yet I will praise Him."
I don't know what this life holds or how long it will last, but my resolution for this year, once again, is to know the Word that God has given. I want to tattoo His promises on my heart so that when all is stripped away, praise will still be my response. I am shoring up my heart this year with the wisdom of God to sleep more peacefully, give more freely, and love without restraint. I resolve to be found waiting on my master even in the third watch of the night. I am thankful that my determination will be met by the strength of the Holy Spirit to finish the good work that He has started in me.
I awoke on the 29th of December at 5am to stare at her and try to burn the memory of her little toes and pursed lips letting the slight breath in and out, in and out. I am keenly aware that becoming a parent has gouged a huge hole in my heart. A hole that only the tiny voice, the little giggle, the sweet cuddles can fill. I feel immediate terror and physical pain at the thought of losing her or failing her. All of this is magnified by the fact that her life will be out of my hands for an entire week.
As I lay in my bed the night before sobbing about the possibilities of things going wrong, I am sweetly reminded by God, that life is always really out of my hands. Though this reminder is really not all that comforting to a control freak. I know He hears my heart but I form words in my mind like, "That is one thing I can't handle, please don't test my threshold, I won't know how to live without her." As the fears reel in my mind I am also confronted with a sadness for my lack of faith and understanding of eternity. I had a good hard sob, and because this occurred while having a chest cold I also had a long coughing spell.
The morning came and I was distracted by lists of what to remember and trying to be to the airport on time. Then I played with my girl in the airport trying to create mental pictures to tide me over. Reminding myself it is only seven days, which is nothing in the big scheme of things. Then boarding time came and the hand off to Grandpa and CeCe. I was holding it all together until I saw my little girls brow furrow in confusion as to why we were waving her good bye. Then I turned away because I couldn't hold it in any longer, the tears came uninvited again.
I demanded to be taken to Waffletown to drown my sorrows in belgian waffles and syrup. I tried to think of all the things I could do while I was "free". I went to the mall, I got a manicure and pedicure, I went out to dinner with friends with no regard to time, I stayed up late and slept in, I took a nice long hot bath. Though all of this was pleasant, I am forever changed by the joy that being a mother brings. I would forego endless time to myself for the love of my daughter.
Then New Years Eve came around with all its nostalgia and hope for a fresh start and I found myself alone. Again I felt the tears threatening to make an appearance and as in all times of deep need, I turned to God for comfort. I was deeply shaken by my need for my family. I know it is a good thing on one hand but I also know that God intends to be my foundation and my all.
"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matt. 10:37) I have deeply struggled with scripture of this nature. As I meditated on the heart of the text, I saw the word single-mindedness. God's commands come out of a place of love and a desire for our highest good. I cannot even begin to unveil the entire truth of the perfection of the good order of "seeking first the Kingdom of God". So, I searched my heart and cried out for a a new desperation for my Lord and the wisdom to hold my most precious gifts with an open hand. I prayed for the strength of heart to say in my darkest hour, "Though He slay me, yet I will praise Him."
I don't know what this life holds or how long it will last, but my resolution for this year, once again, is to know the Word that God has given. I want to tattoo His promises on my heart so that when all is stripped away, praise will still be my response. I am shoring up my heart this year with the wisdom of God to sleep more peacefully, give more freely, and love without restraint. I resolve to be found waiting on my master even in the third watch of the night. I am thankful that my determination will be met by the strength of the Holy Spirit to finish the good work that He has started in me.
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