Wednesday, September 28, 2011

To Love is To Be Vulnerable

I can't remember what it felt like to be pregnant. I do remember how different I felt, what a process it was, but I can't remember the sensation. I can't remember what Simone felt like as a newborn. They tell you you will forget. I guess I didn't think I would. I have.

Having a child makes me sharply aware of time. Each day is a milestone, each moment passes never to be remembered in the fullness it was experienced.
My girl is walking and talking, developing a personality, and a will. It was only 15 short months ago she was taking residence in my own body. I wonder, when I am close enough to see the snowflake shape in the center of her blue eyes, what she will look like when she is older and who she will become. I wonder what trials we will go through and if she will ever tell me she hates me. I pray and wonder if she will care to serve the God I serve.



 Parenthood is a strange and wonderful thing. I am so aware of the vulnerable condition having her has put my heart in. I have to quickly push away the tightness in my chest at the thought of ever losing her  figuratively or literally. I have to fight the tears at the reality that one day, she won't want me to hold her all the time or kiss her all over. I take pictures and write memories and try to burn the experience in my mind but I know time will pass and memories will fade. I am grateful for these thoughts, as painful as they can be, because they give me the pause I need to be more intentional. These realities get me on the floor to play more, postpone the house work a little longer, walk at a snails pace to watch my not yet two foot tall daughter discover the world from a different perspective.
I agree with C.S. Lewis when he said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I am grateful for the vulnerability of love and the opposing depths that vulnerability provides. 

No comments:

Post a Comment