Testing My Resolve

re·solve

   [ri-zolv]  Show IPA verb, -solved, -solv·ing,noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine(to do something): I have resolved that I shall live according to God's promises.

I was groomed to believe that because I was smart and willing to work hard, I would be successful. My life took a drastic turn in my first year of college after I dropped out of an overloaded, overachieving, pre-med schedule, to search out my spiritual side and escape a broken heart.

 I am an all or nothing person so when I decided to search out Christianity, I did it with gusto and packed up my stuff to move to a foreign country where I knew no one to be a MISSIONARY. (don't you have to know that Jesus is the way to tell other people about Him?) I digress, I entered my zealous faith with a heady belief that if I submitted my life to Christ I would magically become more awesome and find the perfect husband and the perfect family, and oh save the world. Seven years, a husband, and a child later I know that not to be exactly true. 

A little over a month ago I was laid off at my job. I felt an uncanny peace about it and left the building with hope in my heart. Several freak outs later, I got a letter from the Employment Commission stating they were going to give me a check every week as I looked for work. I felt the anvil on my chest lift and a smile curl on my face. Thank you God for your provision! I even wrote it on our white board under "God's provision". 

We got mixed responses and plenty of opinions started rolling out about my unemployed situation. The neighbor asked me as I was walking the baby, "You haven't found a job yet?" I declined. She responded, "You aren't looking very hard are you?" Thank you very much lady who I have spoken to twice in my life. As if I wasn't feeling dejected enough. Fast forward a month later and several hours of my life wasted on hold trying to speak to a human about why I wasn't receiving a check yet, I got a letter in the mail stating I was disqualified for unemployment because I was only available for part time. Kick a girl while she is down why don't you?

Well, this blog isn't just to complain about government run programs or how life isn't fair. Really, I just wanted to express that though I waiver, (often) I have to continue to believe that God really does have a plan for my life. I don't know all the ins and outs of the theology of it, or what the percentage of His action to mine is, but I have to believe. I will crumble under distress if I don't.  In answer to a repetitive prayer of only, "God I need your help and I really need wisdom." I was offered a job the very same night I got the rejection letter. I have an interview on Monday. Although it is full time and I have had a solid cry already about the possibility of being away from the joy in my life 40 hours a week, I got an answer to prayer and provision. 

The last seven years have been a slow, sometimes painful lesson of realizing I really am not in control. Not only am I not, I am finally realizing I really wouldn't want to be. I am beginning to see myself in the bright light of a Holy God. My heart is ultimately selfish and greedy and often fears man over God. I can't trust a person like that. 

So today I again set my resolve to believe that God is good and loving, and despite my circumstances has a terrific plan for not only me but the generations to follow me. My life may never look very glorious or successful by the world standards, but maybe one day my heart will desire nothing more than to always  be just an offering poured out to a worthy God. So raise your glass, even though it may be empty, to the author and finisher of our faith.