Since I have transitioned to staying at home full time I have found an increased awareness of the importance of my role as mother. God made it pretty clear to me not too long ago that no matter what way a child is wired it is the job and the privilege of the parent to help to shepherd that into something beneficial: i.e. strong willed either equals stubborn and inflexible or a strong leader with tenacity.
My eldest is super intelligent and has a propensity towards dramatics. Her language skills are off the chart and she feels things very deeply. She is four and a half. Some of the theatrics I attribute to her age but I also recognize pieces of myself in her that I desperately want to help her navigate better than I have been able to. As I battle my own imperfections especially in the department of patience, I find myself praying for wisdom and strategies to help shepherd her unique wiring. I have recently had a small, dare I say, break through and wanted to share it for others charged with the magnificent role of raising an emotionally intense child.
It is amazing how children serve as little mirrors into your soul. As I have watched my daughter melt into tears over the tiniest offense and segregate herself from love and completely shut down, I see a reflection of myself and broken nature of a fallen world. Because I am a deep feeler, some might say I am making too much out of this, but I would rather err on the side of caution then see the problem compound and spiral out of control in the hormonally charged teen years.
It is an ongoing battle to keep up with all the demands of mundane life with patience and grace while keeping your pulse on the ever changing growth of your children. I often have to stop myself and remember that talking my preschooler through challenging emotions and thoughts is more important than crossing off the rest of my to do list. So here are a few things I have learned when interacting with an emotionally sensitive child.
Hugs go a long way. Sometimes when things have gotten particularly heated and I can feel my own patience running out and my girl spiraling out of control, I stop and say, "do you need a hug?" She generally says yes and it usually takes the threat level down a few notches. I find that when the love is plugged back in she is more receptive to my instruction and I am more open to hearing her words instead of her whining. For more on this I highly suggest reading Loving Your Kid on Purpose, it has changed some of my perspectives on the order of importance when navigating tough parenting terrain.
Schedules help to keep the number of meltdowns to a minimum. Don't read this as I let my kids run my life. I think it is important to raise flexible go with the flow kids. I also know that when I don't eat or sleep or have too much going on I am grumpy and I am a grown up. I want to set my kids up for success. So if a melt down begins to occur I often ask myself have I set my kids and myself up for failure by packing our schedule too tight, forgetting a meal (don't judge) skipping a nap time, or just been a grumpy mom because I didn't manage my own time well. My kids thrive on schedule and I get the feeling that most do. It is comforting to know what to expect and what is expected of you.
Tone of voice is key. I tell my husband all the time, there are many ways to say one thing, each will be received differently. This is so much more true, I find, with children. They are so tuned into your body language, your tone, your words, they are learning how to be human from you. Think about it they didn't even exist a few short years ago and now they are walking talking humans after a few thousand hours of observing YOU day and night. Don't let the pressure get to you.
Lastly, and this was my little breakthrough this week, be creative with the tools you give your children to navigate their growing hearts and minds. After all one day they will be doing this on their own.
My girl loves to write and draw and got a fuzzy Frozen notebook for Christmas with a pen. I was sure it would end up another forgotten toy that I would eventually throw away as a waste of money but this thing has become a priceless tool. A few nights ago as we were having the usual night time battle and tears ensued and talking wasn't working, I suggested she write down how she was feeling. I am and have always been big on journaling, so I thought, if it helps me maybe it will help her. At first she protested saying she couldn't write fancy like me and I suggested drawing pictures and then she asked me to transcribe her thoughts. At first she was at a loss. I asked her how are you feeling? She said sad and then we began to write a prayer that turned into thanksgiving and a beautiful portrait of our family and God watching over us. She then asked me to write a prayer of my own and I realized this was exactly the way it should be. As my daughter opened her heart to me I was now called to use my strength and wisdom to pray on her behalf. I spoke the words over her as I began to write them down and I felt a shift. I felt empowered and cradled by the Father all at the same time while holding my own child. We both were able to turn our worries to God together and we both felt better afterwards. I wasn't sure if this would be a one off thing or not but the next day she asked if we could do it again. Then today when she began to feel upset she said she was going to go and get her journal.
This takes a fair amount of intentionality and I do have to stop what I am doing sometimes to help her. I hope though that she will harness the power of turning her emotions over to God and it will become a habit that helps her to manager her thoughts as she grows into a young woman. I want to send her into adulthood with an arsenal full of how to extinguish the enemies arrows and glorify God despite her circumstances. I am sure there are many trials to come and tools I have yet to discover but I am glad that the Holy Spirit can inspire us, as terribly flawed parents, to hone the incredible raw treasure that comes in the form of an infant.
Does anyone else have sensitive children? What have you found that works with your soft hearted ones?
