and utter terror at the thought of being pregnant again.
I have made mental lists of the things we should accomplish before bringing another life into this world ...
- buy a house (with more than 2 rooms)
- lose 30 pounds
- get Simone potty trained
- find Daniel a job that pays enough that I can stay home
- take my prenatal vitamin
I have read accounts of the pros and cons of different age gaps, I have tried to map out our career goals, our financial status, factored in my biological clock, and I am still no closer to having peace about when the right time is. Then I have nights like last night when I am feeling sick and PMSing and my 18 month old wakes up 23 hundred times because she isn't feeling well either, in those moments I am sure I only want one child.
It really was beginning to get me flustered and I had to stop myself and remind my pacing heart that God knows. I found myself half heart-idly praying for God to surprise me with the next child as He did my first that way I don't have to worry about it (I am not sure if that is sound biblical praying but hey I am at my wits end).
I would appreciate your prayers because I don't want to make a decision in my own strength. I don't want to rush into pregnancy again just to meet some imaginary deadline and put my family in a tough spot. Neither do I want to miss the chance to have #2 because I fear there will never be enough time, money, energy, etc. I need the wisdom and provision of my Father in Heaven and the patience to wait until it comes.
We have had the same feelings about the baby Morales #2. Went through the list of what we want to accomplish in 2012: get me a job, go through one more 3mo dep for Miguel, travel to Guatemala, etc... and just like baby Morales #1 we prob shouldn't plan it too much. When we got pregnant the first time we had nothing and were about 40K+ in debt with a 1 bedroom apt. Blessings from family and friends we spend a total of $93 before Elena was born. No amount of money or stability can make you better parents. The focus of our next couple months is really on our marriage as you know Miguel and I knew each other 4.5 mo before marriage. We did, however, get the depo shot for another 3mo baby free and will "let it happen" upon return from Afghanistan. The only thing now that we're planning is to have baby #2 arrive when Miguel is in the country. Hopefully some of that helps!
ReplyDeleteOh Teeva, we are in the same boat! There are days when my 18 month old seems more than enough for us! But then I think back at how much love and laughter she has brought to our lives...and the thought of being able to double that is so exciting. For us, having them back to back would not have been great family wise/health wise but with this much gap now...its really up to God. I know we have free will but he is so much better at decision making than me!
ReplyDeleteLove ya
Pez :)
Before I say how I approach it, I just want to say this - Don't let the American definition of a family or what's good for a family determine whether and when you have more children. When you think about the way people around the world view families, it's very different than the US view. We think of families as something you can plan out, as need to do steps 1, 2, or 3 before you can bring a child into the world and be a happy family. But that's not the way families are presented in scripture. Maybe look at scriptural families to see if they provide any helpful insight into how to view a family. (I hope that doesn't sound judgmental or condemning - in my post-preggo brain state, sometimes I do that! This is all in love!)
ReplyDeleteAlso, before I start how I come at this, I'll echo you're fear of being pregnant again! It's funny - birth was so incredibly painful, but that doesn't scare me - pregnancy does.
Ok, here goes (sorry this ended up turning into a book!)...
It's funny, but when I think of this issue, I actually think of the book "Tuesday's with Morrie." In it, Mitch Albom and his wife aren't planning to have children. Morrie's talking about his children, and (what I remember, anyway) he said that part of the wonderful thing of having children is so they can take care of you when you're older!
I'm quite sure, based on what was written about Morrie, that wasn't the only reason he had children. But this idea makes me think of when and how many children in terms of my lifespan, not just the very challenging early years (challenging in a different way than the older child years!). People say that having a baby and a toddler is very challenging, but that only lasts for 2 years or so. In the big scheme of things, that's not much time for the joy that children bring over a lifetime (especially if you're in your 30's. We are putting off having children longer, but having so much more difficulty conceiving, which is hard on a marriage and on a both partners mental health.).
I'm not sure how I feel about planning. We didn't plan Marit, and it makes me sad to think that we could have put off having children for so long that we could possibly not have children (I'm 32 now). I'm not sure how we're going to do it for this next child. But I think how you decide when and if to have more is a very personal thing, based on both your personalities (whether you're a planner or not). I think there needs to be some compromise if you don't approach it in a similar way, or you put your marriage/relationship at risk. However, since planning isn't always possible, both partners accepting and embracing a child, regardless of planning, is important.
Also, a quick comment on your list - someone suggested to me at one point that buying a house while children are small is a silly idea. We have this notion in our culture that we should buy a house before kids, but think of all the work people put into their houses! That's time that could be spent with your babies. Once they get older and like to play by themselves more, or can even have fun helping, it's different. I'm so glad we're not in a position to buy a house anytime soon. We're so busy anyway, I'd rather use the time Kurt would take mowing and working outside (he loves that stuff!) spending together as a family.
This is all rather random, but that's the way my post-preggo brain works these days! :)
I'll be praying for wisdom for you and Daniel.
My husband and I had no real plan on when to have baby #2 but I knew I liked the difference between my little brother and I which was 3 years. So we decided a month before our daughter turned 2 to just go off birth control and let things happen. I actually had no plan of getting pregnant with in the first couple months b/c I figured my body needed time to re-adjust to no extra horomones.
ReplyDeleteWhen we planned our daughter it was "perfect" timing for us b/c my husband had an amazing job and we were gonna be able to build a house and have a baby all in the same year plus staying at home was not gonna be a worry at all...well I found out I was pregnant with her in Aug and Oct my husband was laid off so life was put on hold. By that point it seemed like horrible timing to have a baby but God had blessed us and he would take care of us. Now I couldn't imagine life with out her "perfect" timing...we still have not built a house but it will happen.
So we just prayed together this second time that the Lord would have his perfect plan and we were gonna trust he was in control and bless us when he felt it would work for us b/c he is the only one who knows the future and where we will be.
Well my daughter will be 3 in April and I am 8 months pregnant due in Jan. I got pregnant the first month we were off birth control...so it was expected but still a total surprise. God knows what he is doing. We still don't see #2 as perfectly timed b/c it seems like a couple extra months would have been nice but here we are and we put it in Gods hand so he is in control not us!
My daughter is SO ready to be a big sister...she has it all planned out how she is gonna help and teach her sister things. So I am very thankful for the almost 3 year age gap for that alone...that she can be so invovled. Note: I also figured she would potty train by now...esp since she was headed that way then when she found out about the baby she just stopped and wants nothing to do with it. I think that is Gods little sense of humor saying...you asked for it :)
I think in the end you could TRY to plan every moment of when you will have #2 and all that...but when it comes down to it you could get pregnant in a month,in 6 months, or a year. So you are never really in control and can not really plan.
There is alot of anecdotal evidence to support any decision; case in point, Eric and I. He comes from a large family with the kids really close in age, I'm an only child, and I think we're both pretty okay folks. There are nice people and there are jerks in every demographic. We are in the exact same position, almost to the month, as you and Daniel. Eric has baby fever, but I want to wait. It's suggested that a bigger age gap (I'm personally shooting for 3 to 3.5 years) is correlated with higher intelligence and aptitude, assumably because each child receives more of the attention they need when there is more time between births. I like to think that we will be able to find some magical balance in which our kids will be close and share some interests, but not be so close in age as to be in direct competition with eachother. I also like to fantasize about easy-peasy 2nd pregnancy and my perfect, docile, compliant 2nd child...obviously I am a master of wishful thinking. I definitely sympathize with your anxiety about facing another challenging pregnancy while having to care for your first child, but with your fabulous husband and family support system it's not insurmountable. My theory is that having a baby must be easier the second time around, despite being double the work, because you're not completely facing the unknown. I think it's good to plan and agree that there is never a perfect time, so maybe an emotional decision is better than a rational one in this case. You guys have the tools to provide an ideal emotional and intellectual environment for your family, and you're smart enough and capable enough to handle the "wrinkles" with dexterity (that's how it looks from the outside, in case you can't tell from where you sit).
ReplyDeleteSeriously thank you all for commenting. I am glad to see I am not alone in my ponderings. I know that everything will work out in the end for the best.
ReplyDeleteChanning you have such a unique situation and it is nice to see things work out in a less conventional way. Life is an adventure. May God bless you in your marriage with more intimacy then you have ever known.
Pez thanks for being in the boat with me. I read your blog and think about our similarities. You are a great mum from what I can tell. I know God will stretch your heart for the next bundle of joy/adventure.
Sarah you are so cute. I agree with you at looking at the crazy years of raising little ones as such a short time in the scheme of things. That is part of my reason for wanting them close together. I am already in diaper, no sleep, no time to myself (not even in the shower) so what is the harm in adding another one. Thank you for reminding me buying a house is not a necessity. Sometimes I think God keeps us from buying a house to keep us ready to "GO". I love your perspective about compromising with your spouse so important. I understand the pressures family puts on my husband to provide and the challenge/opportunity it creates for him to depend on God for our ultimate provision. Wish we could have coffee, you, me, Carmell, and Pez that would be a great date.
Laura thanks for sharing your story. I was thinking about what you said, how you can plan and then everything you planned around changes. I think that is the story of my life. Case in point Daniel was only supposed to be at this job temporarily... 3 years later well we are still in a 1000 sqft condo with him working 12 hour shifts at the Norfolk City Jail. Plans don't always work. It is probably a safer bet to trust in God and learn to rejoice in all circumstances. Blessings to you and your growing family and lots of grace with your new little princess coming into to town. January babies are the best I am the 15th.
Caroline so well put you are such a smart cookie. Thank you for your vote of confidence in our family. We should chat more. My tentative plan would put our kids just about 3 years apart. I think that is a good stretch. We will see how things go. You never know when a miracle is waiting around the corner.
We had two babies in our two bedroom, tiny apartment. As yet we still haven't bought a house... Tink of all those people who live ten to a room! We are blessed. You can make it work wherever you are. For us we sacrifice lifestyle so I can be home and we can do things together. Also, we think we are in control of our 'family planning' but we are not. God always gets the final say! I always say follow your hearts desire but ultimately allow him the right to change your direction if it is not in line with his will... As for all those thins we need to live? Don't be afraid, you are worth much more than many sparrows! He will provide.
ReplyDeleteMy dearest Teva,
ReplyDeleteAs much as we would "like" to plan our lives, I believe that our lives plan us, and usually for the better.
Not one of my children were planned, and little did I know they were God's gifts to me and Roy. Was it hard? You betcha....we had all three boys in a four room house until Ben was 5, Luke was 3 and John was 1 1/2, and we found a way to "afford" a new house...lots of room, not enough furniture, but we were happy.
As I look back, and as you know, Ben will be 30 this Wednesday, Luke is your age, and John will be 26 next Wednesday, I would not trade any of it! I have some regrets about my motherly "madness" that took over at times when they were all young, but they are fine young men now, and we are so proud of them, and they ARE the biggest blessing.
Give it all to God and enjoy your life before the plans take over your life! What will be will be, and there will always be a way for whatever the path leads.
Believe it to be so.
I love you,
Kathie