We Are All Looking for a Little Magic

I feel  the stirring with certain music, or the perfect combination of circumstances, or daydreaming after watching a movie. It is the stirring in my mind for the desire of a little bit of magic in my life. Even now as I write this, I wish to make it sound more marvelous than it really is. That is the power of the author, to edit out the mundane, and spin the scene into an array of beautiful blurred colors so as to obscure the harsh lines of reality. Well, I am beginning to tire of chasing the dragon.

I want to jump on a different train. Destination: Eyes Wide Open. Scary I know. The only reason I think I have the audacity to pen that is that I am beginning to unravel the mystery of the Triune God. I don't have it even close to figured out, so there will be no theological seminars from this girl. But, I find myself every now and again, instead of being satisfied with material inebriation, dreaming of a far off place. A place where I will be restored to my original design and where ALL children will be cherished, a place where bitter tears aren't wept and I will know real rest. My mind is newly captivated by the place where my Father dwells and the coming of my glorious bride groom.
Don't get me wrong, I still find myself struggling with my desire for the latest fashion, a house of my own, an adventurous excursion, or prestige. But after 27 years of life on this Earth, I have the faintest scent of the decaying rot that is worldly winnings. My interest is now piqued in eternal investments, with unbelievable returns.

I guess I should thank the directors, the musicians, the advertisers. Although, it took me a while, your attempts to sell me cheap thrills and marinate my mind in Novocaine have awakened the most true and deep desire of my soul. I am brimming with the knowledge that there is nothing here that will keep me full.  I need  a drink of water from my Father's hand.
We are all walking around with that same internal, insatiable thirst, pouring drinks over our heads for some relief. The spiritual dehydration manifests itself differently in each one of us. Some of us are better at coping. My prayer is that each of you would wake to find your true condition, whether it is for the first time or the hundredth time. There is a Man at a well drawing sweet, deep water for you. Drink freely, and be restored.

In the time from this breath until my last, I will pray for the wisdom to find the magic in the daily  moments. I will learn from the Author of life how to create my own soundtrack from the beats of ordinary life. I will dance boldly (in my living room) to the rhythm of the melody of right now. Tune your ears in folks your life is happening all around you. Don't miss it! What is your song today? Zephaniah 3:17

The Lost Art of Professional Motherhood

I received the gift of one entire month as a full time stay at home mom. I was amped at the beginning with dreams of playdates, arts and crafts, fresh baked treats, and adventures dancing in my head. I found myself ill equipped for the task.

I was raised by an amazing single mother who often worked a lot. While this teach me a great deal of self preservation, I don't know what it is to have a PTA mother, a come to lunch and bring your entire class cupcakes kind of mother, a make your halloween costume from scratch kind of mother. I don't feel like I missed out yet I do feel I want to give more to my daughter. So I was obviously stoked when I found my attention undivided. I quickly realized with a one year old as your only company 24-7 can be very draining. Each mornin I woke up with good intentions and toddlerhood slapped me in the face with teething, tantrums, fitfull naps, spills, and accidents looming at every corner to name a few.

It took all my strength, patience, and organizational skills just to get us both out the door NOT naked. You would think with all my office experience, scheduling meetings, arranging others schedules, I could arrange a play date with someone... you would think.

There were quite a few days where I found myself at my wits end. Longing for a group of women to call or come over or just be a mess together with. But, most of the mother's I know work or if they don't are also just getting through the day. My small stint as a full time mother made me wonder if our busy society has lost a little bit of the art of motherhood. Please don't take this the wrong way. I know there are a lot of amazing, strong, mothers out there making it work with what they have. But, I was longing for a community of professional mother's of all ages. The matriarchs of our society with a wealth of knowledge to tap into of a lifetime of the world's most important job. The newbies to call and cry, "Is it normal to feel this way?" While I appreciate the virtual community we have through facebook and blogging, etc. there is nothing that can replace human contact.

So now I find myself back at work, full time, missing my daughter on the regular. But also breathing a sigh of relief for time out of the house, for the chance to excel at something, to have a lunch break, and for a little extra money. I do feel conflicted though. Like maybe I failed. Or maybe I needed more training. I know
each season has rewards and challenges of it's own but this is at the root of who I was designed to be. Maybe if I had more time to create a network, work out the kinks. I do pray for the opportunity to master my full time mothering skills again. Until then I will try to be the best mom I can be in the times I am with my little sprout and the times I am not I want to cultivate a life of prayer so that the Heavenly Father, who is always with her will guide her steps even now.

I would love to hear thoughts on this post. Are any of you feeling the same way? Am I wrong? Was I just looking in the wrong places for resources, did I not have enough time? I would love to know as I continue to grow into this lifetime position.

Testing My Resolve

re·solve

   [ri-zolv]  Show IPA verb, -solved, -solv·ing,noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine(to do something): I have resolved that I shall live according to God's promises.

I was groomed to believe that because I was smart and willing to work hard, I would be successful. My life took a drastic turn in my first year of college after I dropped out of an overloaded, overachieving, pre-med schedule, to search out my spiritual side and escape a broken heart.

 I am an all or nothing person so when I decided to search out Christianity, I did it with gusto and packed up my stuff to move to a foreign country where I knew no one to be a MISSIONARY. (don't you have to know that Jesus is the way to tell other people about Him?) I digress, I entered my zealous faith with a heady belief that if I submitted my life to Christ I would magically become more awesome and find the perfect husband and the perfect family, and oh save the world. Seven years, a husband, and a child later I know that not to be exactly true. 

A little over a month ago I was laid off at my job. I felt an uncanny peace about it and left the building with hope in my heart. Several freak outs later, I got a letter from the Employment Commission stating they were going to give me a check every week as I looked for work. I felt the anvil on my chest lift and a smile curl on my face. Thank you God for your provision! I even wrote it on our white board under "God's provision". 

We got mixed responses and plenty of opinions started rolling out about my unemployed situation. The neighbor asked me as I was walking the baby, "You haven't found a job yet?" I declined. She responded, "You aren't looking very hard are you?" Thank you very much lady who I have spoken to twice in my life. As if I wasn't feeling dejected enough. Fast forward a month later and several hours of my life wasted on hold trying to speak to a human about why I wasn't receiving a check yet, I got a letter in the mail stating I was disqualified for unemployment because I was only available for part time. Kick a girl while she is down why don't you?

Well, this blog isn't just to complain about government run programs or how life isn't fair. Really, I just wanted to express that though I waiver, (often) I have to continue to believe that God really does have a plan for my life. I don't know all the ins and outs of the theology of it, or what the percentage of His action to mine is, but I have to believe. I will crumble under distress if I don't.  In answer to a repetitive prayer of only, "God I need your help and I really need wisdom." I was offered a job the very same night I got the rejection letter. I have an interview on Monday. Although it is full time and I have had a solid cry already about the possibility of being away from the joy in my life 40 hours a week, I got an answer to prayer and provision. 

The last seven years have been a slow, sometimes painful lesson of realizing I really am not in control. Not only am I not, I am finally realizing I really wouldn't want to be. I am beginning to see myself in the bright light of a Holy God. My heart is ultimately selfish and greedy and often fears man over God. I can't trust a person like that. 

So today I again set my resolve to believe that God is good and loving, and despite my circumstances has a terrific plan for not only me but the generations to follow me. My life may never look very glorious or successful by the world standards, but maybe one day my heart will desire nothing more than to always  be just an offering poured out to a worthy God. So raise your glass, even though it may be empty, to the author and finisher of our faith.