The Difference 6 Months makes

I am so in awe at the speed in which my daughter is learning. From June until now she has learned to walk, run, speak, follow directions, show compassion, laugh at something humorous, make her desires known, twist a cap, drink from a straw a cup a bottle, and she knows her colors (mostly). She is a sponge and a parrot.
When she arrived back from her 7 day "vacation" my eyes were opened afresh to her amazing abilities. She looked older to me after just a week and knew words that she hadn't left knowing. The newest thing she has learned is how to express gratitude, "shankchu". She is constantly telling me what color things are even if it isn't always quite right. Her heart is full of compassion; furrowing her brow and pursing her lips to say "awwww" when she hears a baby cry or if someone has a "boo-boo". She was carrying a figurine of a little boy the other day and accidentally dropped it and his head fell off. She was so concerned patting the headless body against her chest saying, "Awww baby". Even after I put it away for days she kept saying, "Aww baby". I had to super glue his head back on just to put her heart at ease.
I love seeing her personality emerge and know, in part she learns from us, but there is a divinely written script of her very own already written on her heart. She loves to give hugs and kisses. She squeezes me tight and gives me a little grunt to let me know she loves me. She still loves nay needs to be holding my finger and digging her little nail under mine any time she is relaxing, watching t.v., riding in the car, falling asleep. She loves physical touch.
It seems miraculous to me that only 18 short months ago she was still taking residence in my very own body. Even more so that 9 months before that we knew nothing of her existence. I am grateful for the honor of being a parent and the lessons I learn daily and the weaknesses it highlights in my own character and the deep desire it ignites in me to live a simpler life.

I love that the explosion of development in such a short time reminds me that life could be entirely different in only six short months. A hug and a smile can change the climate of an entire room. When you fail or don't get things quite right, you should still keep trying. Learning is critical to living a full life and keep moving forward.

I want to remember these times and remind myself of the childlike nature that is in me. I want to savor these sweet moments so if a tougher time comes, I can pull these memories out of my pocket and carry on with a secret grin despite of teenage angst. As life constantly changes and I remain unable to see the future,   I want to remember the vast difference only a short few months can make and be grateful that His mercies are new every morning.

Back to the Basics

I, like many, love the New Year. I love a fresh start. I like a spring clean. I secretly like Mondays.

This year as I rang in the new year by myself and baby free, I got some rare moments of complete silence and nothing to do. Before I could get too far in my list making and goal setting, I felt that still small voice whisper, get back to the basics. This past year felt like a bit of a holding pattern. Although there was much change with becoming parents, I feel like I was just winging it most of the time, and circling around the same mountain over and over. This year not being as much of a novice mom, I am ready to be more intentional. This year marking a decade of being a Christian, I am finally coming to the end of myself and beginning to understand, John 15:5 "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
I am all too often tossed on the wind of doubt and indecision described in James 1:6, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."   instead of residing in the place of peace beside sill waters.
I know I will not master this in a year nor a life time but I am resolved to begin by knowing the text I proclaim to believe and follow, and therefore the One who wrote it.
My tangible plan is to read the Bible in a year. Admittedly I have tried to do this many time before and therefore have read Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus many many times. This year I pray my results are different and daily ask for help in not only the completion of the task but a joy in doing it.

Also in the spirit of discipline and getting back to the basics, I have decided to try and do something "physical" everyday. Even if it is only 10 push ups, a brisk walk, or a full on work out. With a complete understanding of my limited time and usual lack of motivation, I recognize something is better than nothing. Hopefully the little bit will turn into a little bit more and eventually a happy, healthy, habit. I want to be alive and mobile and healthy when I am a grand mother and a great grand mother, God willing.

In an effort to set myself up for success, I am fasting television for 30 days, to maximize my free time. I am also listening to only Christian music for 30 days to constantly remind my soul to worship and hunger for the Truth.

And if in 9 days I am already off track, I am grateful God gave me another new beginning unique to me. My 28th year surely will be a year of new beginnings.

A hole in my heart

My sweet Simone has gone to visit her paternal family in Florida for SEVEN days WITHOUT me. The visit fell shortly after Christmas and over the new year which is always a very sentimental and reflective time for me anyways. My little one leaving on her first plane ride has compounded that emotion.

I awoke on the 29th of December at 5am to stare at her and try to burn the memory of her little toes and pursed lips letting the slight breath in and out, in and out. I am keenly aware that becoming a parent has gouged a huge hole in my heart. A hole that only the tiny voice, the little giggle, the sweet cuddles can fill. I feel immediate terror and physical pain at the thought of losing her or failing her. All of this is magnified by the fact that her life will be out of my hands for an entire week.

As I lay in my bed the night before sobbing about the possibilities of things going wrong, I am sweetly reminded by God, that life is always really out of my hands. Though this reminder is really not all that comforting to a control freak. I know He hears my heart but I form words in my mind like, "That is one thing I can't handle, please don't test my threshold, I won't know how to live without her." As the fears reel in my mind I am also confronted with a sadness for my lack of faith and understanding of eternity. I had a good hard sob, and because this occurred while having a chest cold I also had a long coughing spell.

The morning came and I was distracted by lists of what to remember and trying to be to the airport on time. Then I played with my girl in the airport trying to create mental pictures to tide me over. Reminding myself it is only seven days, which is nothing in the big scheme of things. Then boarding time came and the hand off to Grandpa and CeCe. I was holding it all together until I saw my little girls brow furrow in confusion as to why we were waving her good bye. Then I turned away because I couldn't hold it in any longer, the tears came uninvited again.

I demanded to be taken to Waffletown to drown my sorrows in belgian waffles and syrup. I tried to think of all the things I could do while I was "free". I went to the mall, I got a manicure and pedicure, I went out to dinner with friends with no regard to time, I stayed up late and slept in, I took a nice long hot bath. Though all of this was pleasant, I am forever changed by the joy that being a mother brings. I would forego endless time to myself for the love of my daughter.

Then  New Years Eve came around with all its nostalgia and hope for a fresh start and I found myself alone. Again I felt the tears threatening to make an appearance and as in all times of deep need, I turned to God for comfort. I was deeply shaken by my need for my family. I know it is a good thing on one hand but I also know that God intends to be my foundation and my all.
"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matt. 10:37) I have deeply struggled with scripture of this nature. As I meditated on the heart of the text, I saw the word single-mindedness. God's commands come out of a place of love and a desire for our highest good. I cannot even begin to unveil the entire truth of the perfection of the good order of "seeking first the Kingdom of God". So, I searched my heart and cried out for a a new desperation for my Lord and the wisdom to hold my most precious gifts with an open hand. I prayed for the strength of heart to say in my darkest hour, "Though He slay me, yet I will praise Him."

I don't know what this life holds or how long it will last, but my resolution for this year, once again, is to know the Word that God has given. I want to tattoo His promises on my heart so that when all is stripped away, praise will still be my response. I am shoring up my heart this year with the wisdom of God to sleep more peacefully, give more freely, and love without restraint. I resolve to be found waiting on my master even in the third watch of the night. I am thankful that my determination will be met by the strength of the Holy Spirit to finish the good work that He has started in me.