My sweet Simone has gone to visit her paternal family in Florida for SEVEN days WITHOUT me. The visit fell shortly after Christmas and over the new year which is always a very sentimental and reflective time for me anyways. My little one leaving on her first plane ride has compounded that emotion.
I awoke on the 29th of December at 5am to stare at her and try to burn the memory of her little toes and pursed lips letting the slight breath in and out, in and out. I am keenly aware that becoming a parent has gouged a huge hole in my heart. A hole that only the tiny voice, the little giggle, the sweet cuddles can fill. I feel immediate terror and physical pain at the thought of losing her or failing her. All of this is magnified by the fact that her life will be out of my hands for an entire week.
As I lay in my bed the night before sobbing about the possibilities of things going wrong, I am sweetly reminded by God, that life is always really out of my hands. Though this reminder is really not all that comforting to a control freak. I know He hears my heart but I form words in my mind like, "That is one thing I can't handle, please don't test my threshold, I won't know how to live without her." As the fears reel in my mind I am also confronted with a sadness for my lack of faith and understanding of eternity. I had a good hard sob, and because this occurred while having a chest cold I also had a long coughing spell.
The morning came and I was distracted by lists of what to remember and trying to be to the airport on time. Then I played with my girl in the airport trying to create mental pictures to tide me over. Reminding myself it is only seven days, which is nothing in the big scheme of things. Then boarding time came and the hand off to Grandpa and CeCe. I was holding it all together until I saw my little girls brow furrow in confusion as to why we were waving her good bye. Then I turned away because I couldn't hold it in any longer, the tears came uninvited again.
I demanded to be taken to Waffletown to drown my sorrows in belgian waffles and syrup. I tried to think of all the things I could do while I was "free". I went to the mall, I got a manicure and pedicure, I went out to dinner with friends with no regard to time, I stayed up late and slept in, I took a nice long hot bath. Though all of this was pleasant, I am forever changed by the joy that being a mother brings. I would forego endless time to myself for the love of my daughter.
Then New Years Eve came around with all its nostalgia and hope for a fresh start and I found myself alone. Again I felt the tears threatening to make an appearance and as in all times of deep need, I turned to God for comfort. I was deeply shaken by my need for my family. I know it is a good thing on one hand but I also know that God intends to be my foundation and my all.
"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matt. 10:37) I have deeply struggled with scripture of this nature. As I meditated on the heart of the text, I saw the word single-mindedness. God's commands come out of a place of love and a desire for our highest good. I cannot even begin to unveil the entire truth of the perfection of the good order of "seeking first the Kingdom of God". So, I searched my heart and cried out for a a new desperation for my Lord and the wisdom to hold my most precious gifts with an open hand. I prayed for the strength of heart to say in my darkest hour, "Though He slay me, yet I will praise Him."
I don't know what this life holds or how long it will last, but my resolution for this year, once again, is to know the Word that God has given. I want to tattoo His promises on my heart so that when all is stripped away, praise will still be my response. I am shoring up my heart this year with the wisdom of God to sleep more peacefully, give more freely, and love without restraint. I resolve to be found waiting on my master even in the third watch of the night. I am thankful that my determination will be met by the strength of the Holy Spirit to finish the good work that He has started in me.
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