To Conceive or not to Conceive? That is the question

We have always had a loose plan to start trying to Beasley baby #2 when Simone turned 2. That is 6 months away and I, being the planner that I am, broached the subject with my husband yesterday. I have been thinking about it on my own for a while now, oscillating between pure mommy gush

and utter terror at the thought of being pregnant again.

 I have made mental lists of the things we should accomplish before bringing another life into this world ...

• buy a house (with more than 2 rooms)
• lose 30 pounds
• get Simone potty trained
• find Daniel a job that pays enough that I can stay home
• take my prenatal vitamin

Then mentally scratched them all out saying, "There will never be a perfect time, or enough money, etc."

I have read accounts of the pros and cons of different age gaps, I have tried to map out our career goals, our financial status, factored in my biological clock, and I am still no closer to having peace about when the right time is. Then I have nights like last night when I am feeling sick and PMSing and my 18 month old wakes up 23 hundred times because she isn't feeling well either, in those moments I am sure I only want one child.

It really was beginning to get me flustered and I had to stop myself and remind my pacing heart that God knows. I found myself half heart-idly praying for God to surprise me with the next child as He did my first that way I don't have to worry about it (I am not sure if that is sound biblical praying but hey I am at my wits end).

I would appreciate your prayers because I don't want to make a decision in my own strength. I don't want to rush into pregnancy again just to meet some imaginary deadline and put my family in a tough spot. Neither do I want to miss the chance to have #2 because I fear there will never be enough time, money, energy, etc. I need the wisdom and provision of my Father in Heaven and the patience to wait until it comes.

I would like to hear other moms child bearing decision making tactics in the meantime, so give me so feedback. Did you plan, were you pleasantly surprised, are you wishing you were still single, are you sure you aren't going to make it through the next five years of diapers? Let me know.

Be still and know

I am growing older every day, every moment. I am reminded from the Word, that my best days are yet to come; a difficult concept to grasp. Milestones are passing at an alarming rate; firsts that I can never get back. I do know that I have gained more wisdom, perspective, and compassion with age. As my body continues to decline my mind is being refined, transformed even.  I can only imagine that my pride will continue to die with the passing days. Life has a way of knocking you down to size. I want to be careful to walk the line between defeat and humility. I am glad to know I know nothing. I hope never to say I can do nothing, for I have been justified by his grace, that I may become an heir having the hope of eternal life. I want to always walk toward my full potential imprinted on me by my Creator and live content with my present circumstances for this is the will of God. A delicate balance, I am sure of it.

For now, in this season, I am aiming to glorify God in the everyday; holding babies, cooking dinner, filing papers, changing diapers, loving my husband, cleaning the house, eating healthy, smiling at a stranger, praying for others, doing good, sharing, giving baths, folding laundry... do it all to the glory of God.

Help me with this Lord. In the season of no titles, little recognition, and not a ton of excitement, let my life be a sweet fragrance to you. As my days pass me by let my mind grasp my purpose is not to glorify myself but to glorify you. I still want to shine bright, but I want to shine bright with the beauty of my Lord. I desire your Spirit within me to be so strong and overwhelming it seeps out of my pores to change the climate of the room, the city, the nation, the world I live in. I want your banner of love over me to reach a thousand miles long and wide to envelope the surrounding people with an invitation to your banqueting table. I want deep wells of peace and love to share with a broken and violent world. Let the days that lie ahead, however few or many they may be, increase in the power of Love. Today in this moment I fall so short and need your help. I am willing. Use my hands and feet as your own. Sing through my lips the love songs of old, the One that you sang before the foundations of time. Never leave me empty for I do not draw on strength of my own but from living waters in the deep mystery of Your heart.

Be still and know.

International Husband Appreciation Day (so what if I made it up)

I love my husband so much that I had to write a post to get down all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. I think there should be an international holiday celebrating great husbands. So, I am declaring today...

INTERNATION HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY

Growing up in a single mother household, I don't have the experience to draw from of what a partnership in marriage really should look like. Because of this I am both equally amazed every day at how much I need my husband, and how my mother raised two children on her own without going crazy.



Daniel Allen Beasley is the answer to prayers of deep that never made it out of my heart to be formed on my lips. My husband is the daily tool God uses to love, bless, grow, and heal me. We have an unconventional love story (that I will save for another post) and I always have thought of him as my diamond in the rough. What I didn't, and still don't fully comprehend, is how big and shiny that diamond is. Every day I am discovering more deeply the mystery of marriage and the salve it is to my broken soul. He is patient and steady, loyal and trustworthy. I, for the first time in my life, know what it is to be myself completely, and be loved without restraint. I finally understand that when tough times come and bad things happen, I don't have to brace myself for the bottom to drop out. I have a committed husband who understands the solemn vowes we took on May 17, 2009 are for life and are before God. I have no problem trusting my complete heart in his capable hands. We make mistakes, we fight, we get on each others nerves but that is the complicated beauty of love. I know at the end of the day he will remain faithful.

As if the love between us wasn't enough, God gives us the ability to multiply our love with a child. Adding loving father to his resume, has made the love deeper and wider. There is the obvious reminder of a physical manifestation of the your love combined into one being but more importantly it is the partnership it takes to keep that being alive. If it weren't for Daniel, I don't know that I would ever eat a cooked meal. I think the house would remain a mess, and I would not be able to be the mother I am. He provides relief, strength, comfort, back rubs, ego boosts, unconditional love, a reflection of the Father in Heaven, and hot breakfasts. I am bursting at the seams of my heart at the love that not only I get to experience, but the inheritance my growing family will have because of my husband's Godly character. If I never had the chance to experience another physical blessing this side of Heaven, my cup would remain full and overflowing. Selfless love multiplies itself and is an ever burning flame to heat the home of your heart.   



I know the deep working magic of marriage is the distinct reflection it has of my coming husband in Heaven and the hope that it will be immeasurably better. I know "that we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face" 1 Corinthians 13:12. But I am so grateful that Jesus saw fit to give me a taste of what is to come. I am blessed to know He is using Daniel to prepare my heart to "know just as I am known" 1 Corinthians 13:13, by my eternal bridegroom. 



The best two affirmative decisions I ever made, was to say yes to Jesus and yes to my husband. 

Daniel, I wouldn't change a thing, you are my perfect gift from God. Thank you for loving me.  

Ladies, whilst this was a gushy post and mostly for the benefit of my husband, I encourage you to take time a look around at the love you have been gifted with. Also remember when you see a momma struggling on her own, lend a helping hand, an encouraging word, and a prayer. Single moms remember there is faithful husband always available to you in Jesus and He will demonstrate His love for you through His body. Isaiah 62:5 " as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you."